I awoke from a strange dream the other morning—not at all how I envisioned sleeping in on the weekend, by the way, but sometimes your dreams are so disturbing, you’re just kinda jolted out of your usual restful bliss.

My dream involved one of my children. (Those are the kind that really get your attention right?) In this dream, my daughter was the age she is now, but instead of being my child, she was an orphan. I’m not sure how I was in the picture, but for some reason, I noticed she was walking down the street headed to a side building. I followed her, and stepped into a dim, shabby room littered with dirty, broken toys. Inside were two adults, a man and a woman, both oblivious to her antics as she picked up this and that, approaching them for their approval or interaction. The man was sprawled out on an old couch watching television, and the woman was sitting in a chair. It escapes me what she was doing. All three were in the same room, but the adults were completely ignoring the child.

The fact that she was feeling alone in a room with others was stark. I could feel her emptiness, and how she was starved for recognition and love. My daughter finally noticed me, and seemed embarrassed that I saw her there. I don’t know if it was the fact that I knew she was an orphan, or the shabbiness of where she lived, or the fact that I could see she was in pain, that bothered her.

I know it was just a dream. In my heart of hearts, I know it doesn’t have any actual meaning, but I woke up wondering if some of the pain was real. Was there any way my precious daughter could be feeling that in her life today? It was one of those dreams where there was no going back to sleep; the wheels of my protective mama brain were turning too much.

That dream made me consider something:  Do we live in an age where children are orphans in a two-parent home? It seems too horrific to talk about, but I can’t shake the thought. We can tell ourselves, I homeschool, I already spend an enormous amount of time with my children. But is it possible that’s not enough?

Could our children be starving for our attention almost in our arms?

Could our children be starving for our attention almost in our arms? Click To Tweet

We live in a fast-paced world. Everything from communication to food is lightning-fast. Our grains have become quick oats, and minute rice. I’m as guilty as the next parent about spending too much time on my phone. (Insert thoughts of justification: It’s not like I’m playing games on it!) However, it’s definitely my social interaction for the day. I work, plan, and glean information from my phone at the touch of a button—of course, it’s enticing!

Does it really matter, though?

I fear I don’t stop often enough to think about how my children feel when I am glued to my phone. Regardless of how important I deem the task, it takes me away from them while they are trying to tell me their problems—little ones in MY eyes, but big in theirs—or fantastic new accomplishment, or when they just want to bask in the knowledge mom is watching.

If your kids are anything like mine, they want me to physically come and LOOK every time they do ANYTHING. It can get tiring, but really it is such a compliment, a testament to their love and admiration for us. They want to show us what is important to them.

By now, I guess you realize that this dream really struck me.

But the questions that came after it have stayed with me:

Could I be mistaking my daughter’s quietness for contentment, when it’s actually loneliness?

Has she learned not to bother me with her silliness because I’m just going to ignore her?

Is it too painful to ask for my attention when she might get rejected?

Every one of those questions just about breaks my heart, because that’s a load too heavy for a child to carry. I hope my imagination has just gotten carried away, and I’m dredging up my own pain and fears, but I have no doubt it’s a genuine problem for many children growing up today. Our children should be growing up bursting with feelings of love, confidence, and acceptance for who they are. They should approach every new problem with thoughts of, “Yeah, I can do this!!!”

Could we be setting our children up for making poor choices just to find approval and companionship? They shouldn’t have to be a fool for the crowd to feel accepted or appreciated.

Could we be setting our children up for making poor choices just to find approval and companionship? They shouldn't have to be a fool for the crowd to feel accepted or appreciated. Click To Tweet

If you read this blog regularly, you may already know that I have a passion for Maria Montessori’s work. The Montessori approach to learning is very much “follow the child” with an emphasis on observing more than the average teacher might take the time to do. I see wisdom in that. It was my initial allure of the teaching style; when we take the time to really see what’s going on, it can be a real eye-opener (no pun intended).

Have you ever read the love language books by Gary Chapman? He has written one with a focus on children, titled The 5 Love Languages of Children; The Secret to Loving Children Effectively. WOW, talk about having your eyes opened! You can be pouring love into your children in all the wrong ways and they won’t feel loved at all.

It’s tempting to love those around us how we feel loved, but we’re all wired to feel love differently. If I’m showering my child with gifts and they feel loved by spending time with me, my acts of love might actually be hurtful to them … those trinkets might spark a seed of rebellion in a child that sees them as a cheap substitute for what they really desire of us.

Taking time to study our children’s personalities and “love languages” help us to see their needs more clearly. But God knows our children more than anyone else, and He alone can give us the best wisdom in raising them. I truly believe the Holy Spirit can work through us as parents, to reach those little souls that have been entrusted to us. Just as easily, the devil wants to use us to destroy our children as well—to crush their hopes and dreams with careless words, or unrealistic, unattainable expectations.

We have such power to mold our children’s lives; in many ways, it should absolutely terrify us. (Just go talk to any psychiatrist out there, they can tell you just how important your job as a parent really is.) It’s so much better to be students of our children and learn to love them the way they need us to … to do it right from the beginning, rather than to go back and try to repair the damage.

Take some time to sit back and really observe your children today. See what makes them tick, what thrills their hearts, what breaks them to pieces. Take mental notes for future reference, or even better start a little journal on each child. It’s good to go back and remind ourselves why they may have reacted badly in one situation and with complete joy in another. It helps equip us to reach their heart, because feeling understood is a powerful conversation starter and healer.