If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
(Romans 12:18, KJV)

The very existence of this scripture proves that God understands the difficulties we face getting along with one another. I believe maintaining relationships with those around us is our #1 challenge in life.

I recently read a book entitled The Angry Smile, by Jody E. Long, PhD, Nicholas J. Long, PhD, and Signe Whitson, LSW, C-SSWS. The book is a study of passive-aggressive behavior, and it was an eye opener, to say the least. Just the title makes you take a second look as you recognize the oxymoron.

Perhaps you’ve felt your blood begin to boil while the object of your irritation just looked at you innocently, as if to say, What? I don’t see why you’re getting all bent out of shape for no reason! It makes you feel like you might be a little bit crazy! Or maybe you’ve found yourself caught up in the middle of a heated argument over literally nothing. You leave the room scratching your head, wondering what in the world just happened. Does a teenager or a co-worker come to mind? You might be dealing with a passive-aggressive individual.

The term passive-aggressive was first used by Colonel William Menninger, an army physiologist in World War II. He noticed certain soldiers who would follow their orders by strictly obeying the letter of the law, but with a spirit of hostility. While they weren’t technically disobeying their orders, they were causing trouble nonetheless.

The authors of The Angry Smile explain passive-aggression as, “Hostile cooperation, sugarcoated hostility, or compliant defiance.” Ringing any bells yet?

Generally speaking, I’m fairly easy to get along with; I try to give others the benefit of the doubt, and don’t ordinarily get irritated easily. I picked up this book to help me understand an adult friend of mine. While this individual isn’t a hostile or abusive person, somehow they just keep getting under my skin.

I find it helpful to deal with obnoxious behavior if I can identify where it is coming from, and perhaps understand the “why” of it. Take a child, for instance: if kids are being rowdy, they might need some exercise. If they’re cranky, maybe a nap or a snack. Knowing there’s a way to fix the situation (at least potentially) helps me deal more patiently with the object of my irritation.

By the time I finished The Angry Smile, I was surprised to feel like I understood one of my children with a clarity I never knew was lacking. The friend who inspired me to read the book did indeed have a few passive-aggressive tendencies. For sure. But here my own child was developing textbook passive-aggressive behavioral patterns right under my nose! All those power struggles I regularly got pulled into, the numerous times I felt ready to pull out my hair while they just sweetly looked at me like I was the cause … it described them perfectly.

This book doesn’t just help you identify the problem. It offers a six-step solution to walk you through dealing with the behaviors, while also teaching you how to recognize the beginnings of the passive-aggressive encounter. This allows you to stop the situation dead in its tracks before being sucked in emotionally.

They authors do a good job of describing why psychologists believe certain people adopt passive-aggressive behavior in the first place. Then they go on to explain why those individuals continue to exhibit passive-aggression, and how you can break the cycle. They introduce specific strategies to use when you encounter this behavior at home, school, or work, with acquaintances, co-workers, within marriages and close relationships.

Ultimately, you can’t change anyone. But when you tailor your reactions appropriately, the passive-aggressive person has no choice but to confront his feelings, and adapt his actions and reactions accordingly. I now feel better equipped to stop the frustrating encounters and arguments. I know what it will take to halt the conflict cycles in my home. Being able to step back, recognize behavior for what it is, and know that I have the tools to handle things peacefully is a wonderful feeling.

Being in close quarters with the people we know best just seems to bring out the worst in some folks, so as we move into the holiday season, I heartily recommend this book to help handle conflicts with family members who show passive-aggressive tendencies. And if all of this sounds completely foreign, and doesn’t make you think of anyone you know, it might be time to consider the possibility that you may be the passive-aggressive individual in your social (or family) circle!

Regardless, I am convinced every parent, educator, pastor, psychologist, counselor and human resource coordinator should invest in this book. If we can successfully maneuver difficult interpersonal conflicts, we can truly change the world … or our own corner of it, at least.

 

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