I thought I was a good person…until I had children.

It’s amazing what I’ve learned about myself since becoming a mother. I’m not nearly as patient and sweet as I thought I was! God has a way of opening our eyes to truth, and some of it isn’t exactly comfortable. Honestly, it was becoming a mother that drove me into the arms of my Savior. I was raised Christian, but hadn’t known Christ. Having children who acted just like me was absolutely terrifying. I’d hear my son speaking in an ugly way to his little sister, and I’d be horrified to recognize them as my own impatient words to him. Talk about being humbled. It was absolutely gut-wrenching.

I was always taught that good Christians should read their Bibles and pray. But I didn’t understand why until I found myself waist deep in diapers, bombarded with constant chaos, and raising children who actually seemed to enjoy squabbling with each other. Motherhood is HARD! While nothing is more rewarding, it’s just plain hard. The pressure to be and do can be overwhelming. Double all that for a homeschooling mom! How do we keep it together, especially when we are running on five hours of sleep? When what we really crave is a soundproof room with nothing but a bed in it?

In 1 Timothy 2:15, Paul talks about women being saved in childbearing. While the theological ramifications of this verse can be muddy, there’s a lot of truth behind those words that rings true for my own life. I don’t know that I really noticed the need to be saved until I felt like Peter, trying to walk towards Jesus on the water but feeling he was about to drown in the sea. I knew what I wanted to be, but found I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be that sweet, gentle, loving mother we all think we are going to be prior to actually experiencing motherhood. I tried, I tried hard! I made sure we attended the right type of church, I wore the right clothes, ate the right food, kept my hair long, put off make-up and jewelry. Yet, despite following all these rules outwardly, I found my flesh was still just as strong and ugly as before. I had a “form of godliness,” but no real power to change my heart (2 Timothy 3:5).

God doesn't want us to TRY to love others. He just wants us to come to Him. Tired, broken mothers, desperately seeking someone to save us from ourselves. He longs to pour His love through our brokenness. Click To Tweet

One day, in absolute despair, I fell on my knees and cried out to a God I desperately wanted to know. I told Him I just couldn’t do it. I was willing to forget all the religion I had ever known in exchange for knowing Him. Instantly, I felt the presence of God. Tears streamed down my face as I was bathed in the love of the Holy Spirit. I felt God’s love, and felt the desire to love everyone around me, too. I know, without a doubt, it was the moment I crossed from death to life.

I found a truth in that moment I’ll never forget. God doesn’t want us to try to love others. He just wants us to come to Him. Tired, broken mothers, desperately seeking someone to save us from ourselves. He longs to pour His love through our brokenness. As I began to spend more time with God, through prayer and His word, He did something in me that just didn’t make sense. He started changing me from the inside out. I wasn’t magically transformed into the perfect mother in an instant, but with His help, there were moments when I was the mother I always dreamt of being. There’s a joke in our home now if I’m short on patience, or grouchy. I’ll hear my children whispering, “Mom needs to read her Bible.” What can I say? It’s the truth.

How often are our lives so busy that we don’t think we have time to spend in The Word. The truth is, I’ve learned, that I NEED to make the time. Everything works out more smoothly when I do. I no longer read my Bible to be a so-called good Christian. I crave time in God’s Word, and I need it to be who God created me to be: a mother, equipped with the tools of love only He provides for us.