I was 21 years old when I learned—really learned—just how powerful words are.

That may seem unlikely, as I was completing my fourth year as a literature major. Even less likely if you know me because, then and now, most people quickly realize that words are kinda my thing. I love everything about them: reading them, writing them, hearing them. I cannot remember a time when I didn’t love the written and spoken word.

But at age 21, words and I had one of those moments. The kind that stick with you forever.

I grew upon a farm in rural Virginia, adjacent to one owned by a widow who stayed there only a month or two each year. Still, our families became quite close: we watched over the empty house when they were gone, our cattle grazed their pastures, and gates between the two properties stood perpetually open.

The widow had one son, a decade older than me. Every summer when they came to stay, he’d help with farm work and spend time with our family. We grew up together, I guess you’d say. And I thought he was pretty close to perfect.

We celebrated my 16^th birthday on a road trip to his wedding in Texas, and I remember thinking, “That’s it. The good ones are all taken.”

(I was cynical for 16. And thankfully, wrong. There actually was a good one left. I married him 6 years later. True story.)

Years passed, and Mr. Perfect and his wife came to live in his family’s former summer home. They were our full-time neighbors now. His wife and I got on like a house on fire. Everything seemed great.

Except it wasn’t.

One night while I was away at college, Mr. P arrived home, hours later than usual. When his wife questioned his unexplained absence, the dam broke. He confessed he had been unfaithful to her. Habitually, before and during their entire marriage, and with multiple women, including at least one of her girlfriends.

Had one of my own brothers done this, I’m not sure it could have been much more devastating to me, my parents and siblings, and many friends.

The next time I flew home, we arranged to meet. I felt I needed to look Mr. Clearly-Not-So-Perfect in the eye. Maybe I hoped for a logical explanation: how could we all believe we knew him, yet be so wrong?

We met at a little hole-in-the-wall burger place near his new apartment and truthfully, I don’t recall a lot of our talk. What I will never, ever forget is this: I asked him, “Don’t you miss her?” And he responded by telling me he missed their dogs more than he missed his wife.

That one statement broke my heart. Hearing the words felt like a physical blow. It was just so cruel, and as close to unforgivable as anything I could imagine. In that moment, I realized something I had never truly grasped:  there are words you can say that will change a relationship so profoundly that you can never, ever go back to the way things were before the words were spoken.

I realized something I had never truly grasped: there are words you can say that will change a relationship so profoundly that you can never, ever go back to the way things were before the words were spoken. Click To Tweet

To this day, I have a physical reaction when I recall that conversation. It followed me into marriage (for better or worse) and still influences my interactions with people.

Part of the reason it affected me so deeply is that I saw myself in his cruelty. I had always been able to wield sharp words—friends found me hilarious!—but for the first time, I truly started to comprehend just how damaging they could be.

The old adage, “stick and stones may break my bones …” is a terrible lie. Words WILL hurt you. They are dangerous, folks. An unfettered tongue can be merciless, and the people we love most are easily injured because we know their flaws and vulnerabilities.

It is still a struggle. I have not yet arrived, believe me. But here are few suggestions to help you disarm the weapon of your words:

• Acknowledge that on your own, you cannot control your tongue: “For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” James 3:7-8   The good news is, the Lord can do what you can’t.
• Each morning before jumping into life’s busy-ness, ask God specifically for help in choosing your words and honoring Him with what you say. Do this EVERY DAY; praying Psalm 141:3 is a good start: “Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” Add it to your prayer list. Print copies of our downloadable  Psalm 141:3 bookmark for your Bible, homeschool planner, or that paperback on your nightstand. Stick a Post-It (or an extra bookmark!) on your bathroom mirror. Write it on your hand if necessary!
• Commit—purpose in your heart, like Daniel—that you will not carelessly speak words meant to hurt. Proverbs 12:18 says that, “rash words are like sword thrusts.” Pausing for even a breath before you speak gives you the opportunity to put down your sword. When damaging words are on the tip of your tongue, that’s an excellent time to choose restraint.
       
  Feeling emotion is different from reacting and speaking emotionally. Adopt this rule for occasions when you are angry or frustrated:  when in doubt, DON’T say it. If you think you might regret your words once the moment passes, you almost certainly will.
• TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for what you say. Ask forgiveness when you’ve been unkind, whether to your spouse, your child, or the cashier in the grocery store who bore the brunt of your crummy mood. It’s much harder to casually skewer with your words when you own the consequences. And you should expect to be held accountable, whether now or later: “I tell you, on the day of judgement people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew 12:36-37 
• Don’t downplay the damage caused by words (yours or someone else’s). Proverbs 6:16-19 lists seven things that are “an abomination” to the Lord. Three of the seven—lying, bearing false witness, sowing discord among brothers—are directly related to speech. God doesn’t treat our words lightly; we shouldn’t, either.
   
  As a mom, this means you teach your children to speak kindly to one another, you administer consistent and appropriate discipline when they are not, and you don’t dismiss their pain when words hurt them. Yes, it’s important that they forgive the offender, but let them know you understand why they feel sad or upset if others are unkind. When you empathize, they learn to, as well.

Teach your children to speak kindly to one another, administer consistent and appropriate discipline when they are not, and don't dismiss their pain when words hurt them. Click To Tweet

Proverbs 31:26, a verse from the iconic passage we’ve all read many times, says this of the woman who fears the Lord: “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”

Pray today to be that woman. You won’t get there on your own, but God can make it so.

 

Don’t forget to download our printable Psalm 141:3 bookmark !