Does it ever appear that common courtesy isn’t so common anymore? It seems to me that rudeness has become the norm, accepted by a society that considers itself far too busy to indulge in such trivialities.

Well, I say let’s bring back manners.

Instilling manners in a child comes as soon as they are able to understand language. What parent hasn’t said to a child that is just beginning speak, “Say please.” From the very beginning we are encouraging them to say “thank you” for a gift, or “may I” for an item they desire. But manners don’t stop there. 

These are some of the areas of etiquette that I taught my own boys:

Opening the door for others. This is one of the things you can teach early on. It’s as simple as walking up to the kitchen door with an armful of groceries, and asking your children to hold it open for you. Praise them for their kindness. Tell them how much it helped you.

Look for opportunities to practice this in public: have your child hold the door open for people as they enter church, or go into the store. Generally people will say “thank you” (especially to a young door-holder) and even if they do not, praise your child for his kindness in helping another person. Be sure to tell him he did well.

Giving up your seat for the elderly or infirm. I work at a small restaurant that is very popular; it’s not unusual for people to wait an hour to be seated. There are several benches inside and out, but not nearly enough for the people who arrive. You would be shocked at how frequently I see people, both young and mature, remain seated as an elderly person relies on a cane to stand. It’s appalling.

Teach your children to be on the lookout for situations where they might offer their seat. Even if the person declines, the child will have the satisfaction of having done something kind.

Always, always say please and thank you. “Thank you” shows you appreciate another person’s time and effort…which is just plain nice to hear, whether you are the waitress refilling a drink, the checkout person handing a customer a bag, or the president of the company. And “please” is a little bit of sweetness dusted onto a request. It is not called the “magic word” for nothing—it can change a person’s day for the better!

Refer to elders as ma’am and sir. My grandmother would say that one of the ways to tell “good breeding” was by how polite a person’s speech was. I’m told there are people who, for various reasons, resent being called by a title. Personally, I have never had it happen. I was taught it is better to use the polite reference for another person and be wrong, than to be too familiar.

The respectful use of ma’am and sir was something I was determined to instill in my sons. I promise you, people noticed: over the years, many adults commented on how polite and mature my boys were in their speech.

Do not use phones or electronic devices while having a meal. Life can fly by at a swift pace, and meals may be little more than a chance to sit down briefly. But for your kids, it may be one of the few times in the day where they are with you one-on-one. Make it a time with no distractions so that you can have a real conversation.

At the restaurant where I work, I see so many tables of diners where everyone—the youngest included—is absorbed in their phone or electronic device. It is as if they are not eating together at all, but are millions of miles apart, completely unaware of their family’s presence.

Make meal times sacred. Some of life’s greatest discussions can be had around a table with your children.

Make meal times sacred. Some of life's greatest discussions can be had around a table with your children. Click To Tweet

Know the rules for visiting someone’s home. This is one that you actually have to work on with your kids before you even go to a person’s home.

When I was small, my moma would take me to visit lots of the elderly people from church. She taught me early on not to ask for food or say that I was hungry while there. She helped me realize that the person might not have any food for me and they might become embarrassed or sad. I was taught—and passed to my boys—that you may never say you are bored, or tired and ready to leave, as some people rarely have visitors and the remark could hurt them deeply. Never run in their house or touch items without permission. Many people don’t have children, or they are already grown and gone. It can be quite a terrifying prospect to have a four-year-old careening wildly through the china cabinets and what-nots. When children are too young to endure with good manners, parents should make visits very short—even 15-20 minutes—and gradually increase to staying longer.

It is only through practice that your children will learn these things. If they are never exposed to new situations, a child cannot know how to react when they spring up unexpectedly.

Manners are the natural result of empathy for another person, which you can practice with your children. Have them imagine how they’d feel if their elderly grandmother was left standing, when someone could have offered a seat. Ask them how they think a lonely, isolated person would feel, when told that visiting them is boring. Manners are a way of showing God’s love to people in our everyday walk of life.

Manners are a way of showing God's love to people in our everyday walk of life. Click To Tweet

These are just a few ideas for implementing old-fashioned courtesy in your kids. But what about you, mom and dad? If you aren’t practicing these same manners, it will be fruitless to try to instill them in your child. If you don’t regularly say “please” and “thank you” to your family (maybe you believe they should know you mean it) then you cannot expect them to show gratitude to you. If you rush through an open door without bothering to hold it for the next person, your young ones are learning that courtesy doesn’t really matter. And if you only turn off the phone at the table when you have company, children realize their presence is not terribly important to you.

Let’s use etiquette to show respect. Let’s use courtesy to bestow kindness. Good manners start with us, parents. In such small things we can truly make the world a better place.