My grandparents were married more than 60 years, and loved each other with a devotion I have rarely seen. Many years ago, when they had young children and very little money, my grandfather came home with a gorgeous bouquet of long-stemmed red roses. I’m not sure of the occasion; it could have been something significant like an anniversary, or perhaps he bought them for no reason at all. What I do know is that my grandmother was appalled at his extravagance. This predated 1-800-Flowers and $10 bouquets at Walmart. My grandparents were living on a single, modest income and could ill afford the luxury of visits to the florist. And—had you met my grandma, you’d know this was inevitable—she let her husband know in no uncertain terms what she thought of his foolishness.

It didn’t take her long to regret her harsh words … I know this because she told me so herself, years later, during a conversation we had in the months before I was married. I’m certain she apologized. I know my grandfather would have forgiven her. So why did an ancient marital squabble make its way into our discussion?

Because my grandfather never again gave her red roses. Other flowers, yes. Never red roses.

I’ve written before about the power our words have to wound others, and won’t belabor the point that careless words are often hurtful. But when I recall this particular story, I’m reminded how easily we fall into the trap of punishing others—and let’s be honest, frequently it’s our husbands!—when they don’t meet our expectations.

Sometimes, disappointments come because we think our spouse doesn’t care about the same things we do. And I know that can feel like a Big Deal.

Other times, it’s a matter of not remembering tulips are my favorite flower (when it seems like I’ve mentioned it five hundred times!) or not paying attention to the fact that I prefer dark, not milk, chocolates.

I’m not belittling the very real, serious struggles couples endure. But speaking with hindsight on over a quarter century of marriage, I can see times when my perspective was warped. When the smallest things looked huge … simply because I’d lost sight of what it meant to have genuinely big problems. Far too often, my reaction to disappointment was entirely out of proportion.

On countless occasions, one of my children has run breathless through the front door, grinning from ear to ear, to present me with a hand-picked bouquet of flowers. In early spring, before other things have begun to bloom, they’re often comprised of slightly-crushed wildflowers from the yard, also known as weeds. I confess these are my favorites. But I’ll share a secret: I don’t have a particular fondness for random sprouts (not even the fuzzy white dandelions that end up drifting all over the living room because “they’re so pretty!!!”) and in fact, you can frequently find me outside pulling up those same plants by the roots, trying to eradicate them from a flower bed. Yet more than once, it’s brought tears to my eyes to see how excitedly my kids offer them as a gift to me. Weeds or not, I have no problem seeing the love behind the gesture.

We instinctively know to accept a child’s gift with grace … so it begs the question, why do we have so much difficulty doing the same with the person we promised to love until death?

We instinctively know to accept a child's gift with grace … so it begs the question, why do we have so much difficulty doing the same with the person we promised to love until death? Click To Tweet

In our years together, my husband has given some amazing gifts. Seriously, he’s hit a home run more than once. He has also, with the best intentions, given me some truly baffling presents that made me wonder, What on earth was he thinking when he chose THIS for ME?!?

Here’s the thing, though: I couldn’t imagine a more devoted husband and father. He loves God and his family. For more than 20 years now, he has worked hard to support us, enabling me to be home with our kids. He never shied away from changing a diaper and has faithfully handled bedtime duty since our first child was born. He is patient, and kind, and compassionate. He encourages me in important tasks (like homeschooling), truly believes I’m capable of whatever I set my mind to (ditto), and practically insists I spend inordinate amounts of time soaking in the tub almost every night (because I’m THAT kind of introvert, folks).

In short, he really does hit it out of the ballpark. Every day. In all the ways that actually matter.

As homeschooling moms, I suspect many of us are married to a good husband and father who truly cares about his family. And it bears repeating that we are blessed to have these men. They deserve our love, respect, and acknowledgement of the many, many things they do right. So I’d like to suggest four small things I believe can help us, on Valentine’s Day or any other day of the year, take steps down the path to appreciating what we have:

Remember you’ve already received the single best and most valuable gift that has ever been given. As God’s child, you have received salvation through His grace alone and can rejoice in the truth that, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above.” (James 1:17)

As God's child, you've already received the single best and most valuable gift that has ever been given. Click To Tweet

Let go of your expectations. We can avoid so much heartache and conflict, if we just stop inflating the importance of the insignificant. In the big picture, being a godly man who loves his family matters far more than bringing home flowers or chocolates on February 14^th (or frankly, on your anniversary or another occasion). Forgetting the date does not mean your husband doesn’t love and value you. There are 364 other days each year, and those count every bit as much. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t punish him for falling short of what you’d like him to do. And if you do happen to receive a gift, of any type, accept it with the same happiness you’d show if he surprised you, unexpectedly, on a regular day when you weren’t celebrating anything.

Pray for your husband. Daily (preferably many times). Intentionally.

Pray for the burdens he has shared with you—fatigue or illness, the friend with marital troubles, the performance review at work.

Try stepping into his shoes for a moment, then pray for the things he may never have voiced: the stress of protecting and providing for a growing household … his struggle to be the best possible husband and father … ever-increasing demands on his time … the tremendous responsibility of being spiritual head of your family.

You’ll find it’s much easier to keep a tender heart toward your husband when he’s the object of your regular, sincere prayers.

Focus on doing for others and expressing that you care for them, not on yourself or your “wish list.” Philippians 2:3–4 cites Jesus as our perfect example when telling us, Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Our kids learn by watching us. We moms have the potential to set a lasting positive example, by showing them how much joy is found in making someone else feel loved and appreciated.

Help your children make gifts for one another. Encourage them to go overboard for Dad, making extra-special cards (for inspiration, read Ms. Sam’s post from Tuesday) and maybe even planning a Valentine’s Day dinner with his favorite foods. The smile on your husband’s face—and your kids’ excitement at treating him like king for a day—will be better than ten thousand long-stemmed red roses, I promise.

Beyond your immediate family, pay special attention to friends or relatives you ordinarily might not acknowledge on Valentine’s Day:  far-away grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, neighbors. Think of those who might not receive a card from anyone, and teach your kids to delight in reaching out to those people.

Because life so often gets in the way of our good intentions, we’ve created printable Valentine’s Day cards that you and your kids can personalize and give to others. Two sets of black and white cards are perfect for coloring with crayons or markers before sending. A third set is full-color, and just needs a personal message. Some cards are appropriate for any recipient while others are intended for grandparents, cousins, and even great-grandparents for those who are fortunate enough to have them.

Scripture tells us: remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ (Acts 20:35) This Valentine’s Day, why not help your whole family realize just how true that is?

Download our printable Valentine’s Day cards here: